A couple of years ago you sent me a message that you’d be picking me up sooner than I expected. I was so surprised to hear from you so directly. I never expected to hear you through the voice of an oncologist. But, I have to admit, you sent some warning signs first. Warning signs that I had thought meant I was just beginning to age. Even so, I was surprised.
You haven’t given me the exact date. You know this is driving me mad, don’t you? Don’t get me wrong…I am happy you didn’t need me immediately. I am glad I have some amount of time here. I like it here. My family is here. My friends are here. My dog is here. Well, you have one of my dogs. I hope he’s not barking too much. I wasn’t very good at training him!
So, I’m wondering…just what am I suppose to do with this “get out of life early” pass? Some days I feel like this knowledge is a punishment. A purgatory on earth. Sure, I physically feel pretty good. But, mentally, that’s another subject. You’ve made it so that every day I wake up and wonder…what’s happening in this shell of mine? Are things running along smoothly, or, unbeknownst to me, are tumors forming? Are they? Where? Do I exercise enough? Do I drink enough green tea? What about carbs…can I eat them or not? And, really, what am I suppose to DO? Did I get a grace period because I still have things to learn…or because I still have things to teach?
You see, I am going mad. And, while I never, ever, ever, wish this on anyone else…and I rarely ask “why me?”…I do wonder, “why anyone”. Why do we have to suffer? Almost every human being suffers before you take them. What’s up with that? I couldn’t sleep last night because my daughter was coughing. Just a cough. Just a cough and I couldn’t sleep because she’s mine and I don’t like it when she isn’t comfortable and happy. So, what’s your story? If I was made in your image and likeness, then aren’t you feeling pretty badly up there? Sure you’ll end my suffering and everyone else’s…by taking us away. Pretty lousy trick.
I’m not saying I don’t believe in you. I believe. It would be easier not to, honestly. It is in believing that I feel betrayed. That feeling of “what did I ever do to you to deserve this”. Those are the “why me” days, I guess. Well, I guess I’ll keep pushing on. A religious person might tell me that this is just my cross to bear. And, as Jesus had Simon, so I have my posse. My load is lightened by their strength.
But, sometimes I feel so overwhelmed…so self-consumed…I wonder what I give back to this posse. I wonder what I give back to anyone. I really wonder what I am suppose to DO…For now, I guess I’ll walk the dog. I’ll finish the laundry. I’ll pick up my kids. I’ll make dinner. But I do expect to hear back from you. And maybe my pick up date is negotiable, huh? I’ve been trying to get ready to leave, but I just can’t seem to do it…So, let me stay longer. I think you will. And I’ll keep trying to figure things out.