Solitaire

Last night I awoke, as I often do, with song lyrics floating through my head.  Does this happen to you, too?

Yesterday, I had been thinking about how it was odd not to be spending the day with John.  We were just in Charleston over the weekend, and now it was back to life as usual. Sure, we had our morning coffee, but then he went his way.  I was alone.  My mind was wandering to our wedding day. (our anniversary is just around the corner).  I thought about the different songs that were sung that day, and the ones that we considered, but didn’t use.  I remembered my dad suggesting songs by “The Lettermen”.  Because I have such amazing techo skills…hahaha…you can listen to this one.

And I thought how wonderful it is that I have someone so close to me that I never really feel alone.  Not completely.  Of course, there is a major inference in the song…that God is always walking with us.  But, I was thinking more romantic thoughts…

Then, my mind wandered off again.  To the mammogram that is scheduled for tomorrow.  Geez…in September I got a CATscan, in October an MRI and PET scan.  Now, we’re into November, and yet another scan is thrown my way.  Granted, I have received some very sweet news from these tests.  And John has gone with me.  But, ultimately, I am alone.  And there’s all that space to fill between my ears.  And so much time to fill it.  Just sitting.  Waiting.  Lying still.  Holding my breath.  Breathing normally.  Finally, thanking the techs and leaving.  When we are playing solitaire like this, we have choices about what records we play in our heads.

Being alone can be lonely.  Or you can fill your thoughts with such pleasant things that being alone is wonderful!  When I’m alone, I think a LOT about cancer.  But, when I think about cancer, I try not to be the patient.  Not a victim.  Not a warrior.  I try really hard to be a learner.  Is that corny?  I wonder what I can do to promote my own good health…the health of my husband and children.  I try to think about changing the environment in which the cancer thrived.  So, of course, that involves changing my food choices.  But, you know about that.  It also involves the outside environment.  Avoiding situations that are upsetting for whatever reason.  Keeping your circle of supporters close by.  Having faith.  So, if God is not “your thing”, you can still have faith that you are “where you are suppose to be on your journey”.  Be aware…of others, of yourself.  Be at peace.  Resolve to be a good you and then be happy that you tried.

And then my mind wandered.  Anna, my fourteen year old, soon makes her confirmation.  The sweet irony is that she is unsure of whether or not she believes in God.  I cannot answer the big questions for her.  Ultimately, we fly solo.  You believe or you don’t.  I can’t make you.  I cannot imagine not believing.  I just always have.  I always will.  I have always felt like faith was a gift.  Some people open it and use it.  Others never really open it.  Some open it, try it on, and never wear it.  It’s all been said before.  But, as we walk through life, very alone and surrounded by people, faith can give us a focus.  So, because of my already mentioned amazing techno skills, I am adding one more song for your morning enjoyment…

 

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About nancy5vic

40-something year old cancer goddess (hah...make that 50-something now!!) raising four children and one husband. Diagnosed with metastatic breast cancer in 2008. Love to travel, cook, bake and spend time with my kids and friends. My perfect day always starts with breakfast out...especially fantastic if I'm with John.
This entry was posted in cancer, family life update, health update. Bookmark the permalink.

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