Speechless

So, I called this morning at about 9:30am to get PET scan results, but Dr. Siegel and his CPN were in clinicals.  Call back at 4, says Linda in the office.  I called back at 4:40 and the good doc is STILL in clinicals.  I guess I’ll wait until Thursday to hear how the scan went.

Karen and I hopped in the car about 5:15 to meet with cousins and aunts on the Vicarel side.  It’s always a treat to eat out in the middle of the week, isn’t it?  Just as we pulled off the expressway, my cell rang.  Thought it’d be one of the kids.  But, no, it was Kelly from Dr. Siegel’s office.  “Before I left tonight, I wanted to tell you the results of your scan.  Your PET scan came back negative”.  Keep in mind that in medical tests usually “negative” is a good thing.  Unless you were hoping to be pregnant.  So, she proceeds to say there is no active cancer in my liver, although there are still visible lesions.  The thought is that previous treatments have subdued the cancer.  I ask about the rest of me.  She pauses, rereading the radiologist’s notes, and says, “No sign of cancer anywhere.  Not in your bones, not in your abdomen, not in your head”.    OHMYGOD  OHMYGOD  I NEVER REALLY THOUGHT THIS COULD HAPPEN!!!!!  Well, okay, I did think it COULD happen, but I didn’t think it was likely.  I am thrilled to be at ground zero!!!!

Kelly is not an oncologist.  She is the CPN with the liver surgeon.  It is really not her place to discuss cancer with me, per se.  She did proceed to say that the Y90 radiation pill is off the table for now.  It will be my first gun, most likely, when the cancer becomes feisty again.  Doc Seigel will speak to Doc Silverman again and they’ll decide if/what changes to make going forward.  Could be that MRIs will be ordered instead of catscans, saving me some radiation.  I need to find out if full body MRIs exist.  Otherwise, the MRI would only be watching my liver…and I’d like to keep on eye on the rest of my innards, too, thank you very much.

I really can hardly even think about it.  I really just want to pretend like I don’t have cancer anymore.  Ok?  Just for awhile…like until December, maybe…let’s pretend I’m as healthy as you are.  I just want to keep feeling very, very happy.  No cancer showed up in my breast.  No cancer showed up in my lymph.  No cancer showed up in my liver.  Happy, happy, happy.

Oh, and back to dinner for a moment.  Remember that great guy I married nearly 23 years ago?  That guy that phoned home  after my first round of chemo was over and said, let’s just go to Florida for the weekend….that guy that had room service deliver a heaping helping of fresh berries to my room in NYC while I was there with his sisters because he knows I get anxious without my antioxidants!…that guy?!  Well, after greeting my cousins and aunts and chatting a bit, the waitress come over with a bottle of champagne and a toast….from John!  Then, after we had dinner and feasted on cake in celebration of Karen’s retirement, a plate of fresh fruit arrived…from John!  Cousin Kathy joked, “Gee, you think he’ll pay for our dinners, too?”  And guess what…the bill arrived and you-know-who had already paid it.  There are no words for that sweet love…  All you men out there, the bar has been raised!

Now, it’s time for bed.  I look forward to sweet, sweet dreams.  Webster hasn’t yet come up with a word for these emotions.  Obviously, there’s thankful, blessed, happy…but nothing that hits that euphoria quite right.  So, I’m rendered speechless.

For all your prayers, for all your words of encouragement, for your friendship and love, I am once again sooooooo thankful.